LITTLE SISTER

I’m no conspiracy theorist, but  there’s a sinister plot taking place right under our noses and I feel obligated to expose it! Because, it’s scary, really scary, if you are a guy, that is…

It’s called the “Sisterhood.” And, it’s the secret society to which all women everywhere belong!

That’s right! Female is not just a gender, it’s a conspiracy!

The Sisters are born with a mission–to make men realize that they aren’t as smart as women. The Sisterhood accomplishes this mission by causing men to say and do stupid things and then reminding them that the stupid things they say and do are a personal reproach on all women everywhere!

And the Sisters are particularly skilled in accomplishing their mission by using their extraordinary powers of perception and memory. They see everything, they miss nothing, and they don’t forget anything. Especially, when it involves a man speaking or behaving stupidly.

What’s so scary about this Sisterhood conspiracy is that there’s no legitimate organization of the guys, no Brotherhood, to neutralize the Sisterhood. And, the reason there’s no Brotherhood is because the guys don’t realize there’s a Sisterhood! The guys just don’t get it!  They are oblivious to the conspiracy!

See, the guys think they’re in charge. They think they’re the smarter ones, the stronger ones. In fact, the guys are so ignorant and unaware that they think women are the “weaker sex.”

But, you want to know who started that “weaker sex” rumor? The Sisterhood! The Sisterhood started that insidious rumor so that guys would think that they are the smarter and stronger ones. So, only guys believe it. The women know better!

Now, you may wonder how I know so much about the Sisterhood, how I acquired this secret information that other guys don’t seem to know. It’s because I was almost a member of the Sisterhood and so I’ve witnessed the conspiracy in action.

When I started on this new adventure, the Sisterhood granted me associate membership. I don’t know if it’s because I had so much in common with them or because they just felt sorry for me.

I swapped recipes and cooking tips with them at the grocery store. I laughed with them and took pictures of their kids and mine at school parties and field trips. I discussed the best brands of clothing with them at the department store.  I even asked them for decorating ideas for my house. And they accepted me as one of their own. I was on my way to full membership, or at least, so it seemed.

But, soon it became apparent that I couldn’t maintain the membership qualifications. I couldn’t live up to their standards. I couldn’t control my children in public. I microwaved frozen dinners instead of cooking with the crock pot. I put whites and colors in the same load in the washing machine. The children began to look like a man had dressed them and fixed their hair. And my house started to look more like a man cave than a home from “House Beautiful” or “Southern Living.”

So, maybe you think I’m exposing the Sisterhood Conspiracy out of revenge because they didn’t grant me full membership. Sadly, I know that I’ll never have what it takes to obtain full membership in the Sisterhood. So, I suppose it’s not retaliation so much as a call to arms for the guys to get prepared, to fortify themselves.

But, what bothers me the most is that even though I’m fully aware of the Sisterhood Conspiracy and even though I’m exposing its dark secret, I still fall victim to it. There’s nothing I can do by myself to withstand it. In fact, if you really think about it, I’m actually a facilitator of this conspiracy. I’m both it’s sponsor and it’s victim!

Because I’m raising a little Sister. I’m raising the one who will become my master. She’s only five but she’s already a co-conspirator.  She can manipulate me, control me and then provoke me into saying something stupid, something I regret.

And then, when I hurt her feelings and she starts to cry, not only do I feel like a bad parent, a terrible father, a mean grandparent, but I feel like a big jerk! I feel like a big bully because I think I’m smarter and stronger than she is!

It’s like I maligned her and in so doing I’ve maligned the Sisterhood! If I hurt her feelings, it’s like a personal affront towards all women!

So, bro, beware. There’s a Sisterhood Conspiracy out there infiltrating marriages and families and homes everywhere.They are working together and conspiring against you.

And nobody has your back, dude, nobody…