Kristoff: Have you had a meal with him yet? What if you hate the way he eats? What if you hate the way he picks his nose?
Princess Anna: Picks his nose?
Kristoff: And eats it.
Princess Anna: Excuse me, sir. He is a prince.
Kristoff: All men do it.
Princess Anna: Ew! Look, it doesn’t matter, it’s true love!

In this exchange from the movie, Frozen, Kristoff tries to give Princess Anna some advice about men after hearing about her whirlwind engagement to Prince Hans.

If you’ve watched the movie with your kids (or if you’re like me and have it memorized because the kids watch it so frequently), then you know that Prince Hans turns out to be a big jerk, he almost kills Princess Anna, she punches him in the face, and she and Kristoff fall in love.

As I write this post it’s Mother’s Day. All day and for many days leading up to this day, I’ve heard sermons, read Sunday School lessons, seen Facebook posts, all celebrating and extolling the institution of Motherhood. But, all this reverence for Motherhood has caused me to feel a little helpless and irrelevant…

What can I do for my children, what can I say to the kids to fill in this Motherhood gap, to help them grow up into loving, well-adjusted adults that will hopefully have lifetime marriage relationships and raise children of their own? What can I say to help them find their true loves?

On this blog I’ve often exalted moms, single moms, and women in general. I guess I consider myself somewhat qualified to post on the role of women in raising children because I attempt to fulfill that role in our unique family, though not very successfully. And, in so doing I’ve discovered that women are far more superior human beings than men are! I’ve learned that no matter how hard I try, I won’t, I can’t ever be as good at being a parent as a mom is.

And, I’ve come to realize something about men. Men are jerks! No, I take that back. All men are jerks!

Now, ladies, don’t worry that I’m going to get all the guys upset with me. They won’t email threats, they won’t trash my Facebook page, they won’t try to find where I live and come and beat me up. They’re not even going to be mad at me because they already know they’re jerks! And they’re okay with it!

Well, most of them know. Actually, there are two kinds of jerks. Big jerks and just plain, regular jerks. The guys who don’t know they are jerks, those are the big jerks. The rest of us are just the regular, common, can’t-help-it-cause-I’m-a guy jerks.

If you watch the Frozen movie you will see this dichotomy play out quite clearly. Prince Hans turns out to be a big jerk while Kristoff is just a regular jerk. Hans only cares about his own happiness and success while Kristoff at first only cares about his own happiness, then places his care and concern for Princess Anna over his own happiness. (And you thought the movie was about a young queen with mystical, freezing powers who learns to turn her fear into love!)

You might say that Prince Hans is the type of guy that picks his nose and thinks the ladies don’t notice. But Kristoff is the type of guy that picks his nose and knows it grosses out the ladies but apologizes for it because he knows he can’t help it and will do it again.

I think it’s important for the young girls to know that they are the superior human beings and that guys are jerks. But, because they are the superior beings, they must help these jerks! Still, I suspect that if girls are not taught this important fact of life at home, then they will learn it for themselves by the time they become teenagers.

But, girls should also know that these jerks can’t help it and so they shouldn’t try to change them into non-jerks. Jerks need help, not transformation. As the superior human beings, girls should love their guys because they are such jerks and need their help. And, as the superior human beings, girls must distinguish between big jerks and the plain, regular jerks and stay away from the big jerks because they can’t be helped.

Today is Mother’s Day. And, I can’t be Mom. So, how can I help my kids find their way in life? What guidance can I give?

In spite of being a jerk, I have learned a few lessons during this adventure. So, in my jerky, oversimplified-guy-sort-of-way, here’s what I plan to tell my kids as they grow up to help prepare them for life, marriage and a family. Here’s my guidance for helping them find their true love in life.

“Kenzie, all men are jerks, find one that you can help and love him.”

“Kaleb, don’t be a big jerk!”